Recently, the internet has been in uproar debating the merits of the famed Christmas Song “Mary Did you Know”.  The debate centers upon what Mary knew and when and whether asking the question “Mary Did You Know” is appropriate.  Accusations of mansplaining are rampant.  

I’m no expert, but I can be certain that Mary did know, or at least had an inkling. For one, a whole angel appeared to her and pretty much laid it all out.  Further evidence of her knowledge is that years later, prior to Jesus performing any public miracles, Mary asked Jesus to turn some water into wine.  My parents have never asked me to instantly turn water into wine because they know I can’t do it (they don’t for real drink either, but that’s beside the point).  Mary asked Jesus to turn water into wine because she had the sneaking suspicion that he could pull it off.  Mary did at least know that her baby boy could turn water into wine, which is by all accounts miraculous.  And for the Baptists out there, no, Jesus did not turn water into grape juice.  That’s not a miracle, that’s what we call the Welch’s business model.  That’s what we call making kool-aid, the job given to folks we don’t trust to bring a Thanksgiving essential such as Mac’n’Cheese. It’s only one step up from napkin duty. Nothing miraculous about that.  If we ask you to make juice, it’s because Young Metro doesn’t trust you.  

Even if Mary did know, it’s not that big of a deal that the song asks the question.  It’s okay to ask rhetorical questions (it is a literary device after all), which is what I believe the song is doing.  Besides, there are bigger fish to fry.  There are a plethora of Christmas songs that are far worse, so this post will be dedicated to discussing the horrible Christmas songs we should really be focusing our ire on.

  1. Last Christmas

This is the anthem for all those addicted to toxic relationships.  “Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you threw it away, this year to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special”.  Um, sir, you should do no such thing.  You need to sit this one out, focus on yourself, and determine why you seem to be unable to be alone and instead run from one bad relationship to the other.  After giving birth to roughly fifty-level children this year, by fifty-leven different women, Nick Cannon decided to take a relationship break this holiday season.  The protagonist of “Last Christmas” should do the same.

  1. Christmas Shoes

This horrific song centers upon a little boy who wants to buy some shoes for his mother.  The premise is that he wants her to “Look Beautiful if Momma Meets Jesus Tonight”.  This song is a total bummer.  Nobody wants to think of mommy meeting Jesus on Christmas day, at least not in the imminent death kind of way.  Also, as it turns out, the song isn’t even based on a true story.  What kind of tortured soul comes up with such a tragic tune on Christmas just out of the blue?  The dude just woke up one day and thought it would be a good idea to write a Christmas song about a kid’s mother dying.  Not cool.

  1. Santa Clause is Coming to Town

He knows when you’ve been sleeping and knows when you’re awake?  What a creep?  This guy is a total stalker.  Stay far far away.  Avoid his sleigh full of presents like you would avoid a van full of candy.

  1. I’ll Be Home For Christmas

I’ll Be Home For Christmas, if only in my dreams? Sounds like the musings and empty promises of a deadbeat parent.  I’ll pass.

  1. Little Drummer Boy

What version of the Bible includes the Little Drummer Boy as part of the nativity?  It must be the translation that includes Two Corinthians.  Biblical accuracy notwithstanding, he’s not even a good drummer.  Pa rum pum pum pum over and over again? He has exactly one weak and basic beat.  Baby Jesus deserves better.

  1. Baby, it’s Cold Outside

This is super problematic in a post-Me-Too era.  Enough said.

  1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Nothing to see here, just bearing witness to a super traumatizing liaison with mommy and the creepy stalker that just shimmied through my chimney.

  1. Santa Baby

Santa sure gets around.  He’s stalking folks, he’s kissing mommy, and from this song, he evidently has a harem of sugar babies.  Also, according to Santa Baby, homie has a platinum mine.  It’s not just the elves working under poor conditions. Santa’s human rights violations likely go deeper than we knew.

  1. There Won’t be Snow in Africa this Christmas

What fresh hell is this? The perfect cocktail of white saviorism, false stereotypes about Africa, infantilizing language, and at the risk of burying the lead, a completely inaccurate title because it does in fact snow in Africa.

  1. Do you Hear What I Hear?

In this song, the night wind is talking to the little lamb.  Is this a miracle or an acid trip?  It’s anybody’s guess at this point.

  1. All I Want For Christmas is my two Front Teeth

I find it very suspicious that each year, the best singer in every elementary school has his or her two front teeth out right in time for the solo.  This can’t be a coincidence.  I don’t want to say that choral directors are knocking children’s teeth out, but I’m fairly certain that choral directors are knocking children’s teeth out