Welcome to Arlington..Finding White Jesus & Watching the Paint Dry: Bachelor Recap-February 15th 2015
This Friday evening, I live tweeted the Charlie Brown Valentine’s Day special because I have no life, and the sociopathic behavior displayed by the character Lucy was throwing me into an unhealthy rage. It was the type of rage that needs to be released in real time, so twitter was the obvious medium. Upon reading the tweets in question, my friend Judy suggested that I consider blogging my reaction to “The Bachelor”. I figured I should give it a try, because historically, Judy has provided 0 terrible ideas that I am aware of. So, without further ado, let’s begin.
The episode begins with the final seven meeting bachelor Chris at the hotel. One of the girls exclaims, “I had no idea you were coming.” I really hope that line was fed to her by the producers, because “The Bachelor” is basically centered upon Chris showing up at random times, being boring, and making out with a bunch of women. I’m not sure why him showing up surprised her. Besides death and taxes, Chris showing up at a random time is basically the only certainty there is.
Upon Chris’ arrival, Megan proceeds to pull him aside because she is sensing that he is not really feeling her. He confirms her fears, and she leaves in order to save herself the embarrassment of a rose ceremony rejection. Meanwhile, the girls dramatically overreact to the realization that despite Megan’s departure, there will still be a rose ceremony. However Chris saves the day by requesting that the rose ceremony be cancelled and announces that he will be taking the remaining six to Iowa. The girls proceed to jump up and down and feign excitement as if they are going somewhere better than Iowa such as Puerto Rico, the South of France, or a Waffle house with a semi-sanitary restroom.
Once in Iowa, Chris decides to take Jade to his hometown of Arlington. He is self-conscious about his small town life and states, “It’s not like it’s Des Moines or something.” Since Des Moines Iowa is Chris’ reference point for happening cities, there is certainly a risk that Jade will not be down with his lifestyle. Despite the fact that Arlington Iowa has no restaurants, bars, or grocery stores, Jade seems to have a good time eventually, and is particularly excited to meet Chris’ parents at the high school football game.
When Jade returns, she recounts the date to the other girls. They all pretend to be happy for her, while Britt breaks down in tears. Britt, who among all the women has received the most attention, believes that it should always be that way, and doesn’t appreciate that Jade got the one-on-one date. I can’t argue with Britt’s logic, as I myself am partial to a world that constantly revolves around me. However, the other girls aren’t as understanding and offer little sympathy.
Whitney has the next one-on-one date: a trip to Des Moines with Chris. Meanwhile, the other girls decide to road trip to Arlington, Iowa to check out Chris’ hometown. While in Arlington, the girls stop at the local Methodist church because it is literally the only existing entity besides private homes. Carly sees a picture of Jesus in the church and notices that it’s the same Jesus that hangs in her grandparent’s home. She takes this as a sign that she and Chris are meant to be. I hate to break it to her, but although I didn’t see the picture, I’m assuming it’s the same picture of European Jesus that hangs in every white grandparent’s home, and in every small town white Methodist church. It’s not much of a sign, because like American express, European Jesus is everywhere revisionists want to be.
Back in Des Moines, Chris reveals to Whitney that a replica of a picture they took earlier in the day has been cast on the exterior of the establishment at which they’ve spent the evening. Whitney admits that she fell in love with Chris in the instant that the mural was revealed. I actually like Whitney. She’s a fertility nurse, not some derivative of model/actress, so it appears that she might actually be on the show to find love and not necessarily exposure. Whitney may in fact be ready to be barefoot and pregnant in Arlington, Iowa, population 400.
For the group date, Britt, Katelyn, and Carly go ice-skating. Britt pulls Chris aside and tells him about their road trip to Arlington and gushes about how much she loved his hometown. Only problem is Britt told the girls that she could never live in stinky old Arlington, Iowa. Carly proceeds to rat out Britt for lying. I think Carly knows her days are numbered and simply wishes to leave with the satisfaction that Britt loses. However, Carly should watch her back, because Britt is cray-cray and snitches get stitches. Besides, I’m not mad at Britt at all, because other than Britt’s manipulative moments, the episode has been watching paint dry boring, to the point of being unwatchable. If Britt is on the show to further her career, more power to her. Put her in ALL THE MOVIES; she has earned it. She is a pretty girl, and all the convincing lies she’s fed to Chris speak highly of her acting abilities. Besides, out of 18 seasons, only 1 bachelor made it to the altar with the woman he picked during the show. Thus, the women going on the show for love (not for the 15 minutes of fame) might be the crazy ones after all.
Later that evening, Katelyn admits to Chris that she feels insecure about her status, because she hasn’t had as much time with him lately. However, he reassures her by offering her a rose. When Britt discovers this, she is not having it, because the world revolves around Britt. Chris doesn’t quite know how to handle Britt’s outburst, and the girls relish in the fact that Britt had a breakdown that was not attractive.
All in all, I found the episode to be quite boring, which is surprising, because the premise of the show (1 guy, dozens of women, lots of crying) is similar to 99% of the Jerry Springer episodes I’ve viewed. I’ve reacted many ways to episodes of Jerry Springer, but have never experienced genuine boredom. Even Britt’s two-faced antics were so meh to me. I don’t normally follow the show, so I’m not sure if this is par for the course. So, to the true Bachelor fans who follow this show regularly, is it always this boring?